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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
This is neither an efficient nor an effective way to mask your farts. Do this enough times and fart detectors such as me will figure out that you are the culprit, and make sure that everyone in the office knows you are an indiscreet and talentless farter that likes to spread your stink throughout the office. My suggestion, rather, is to hone the craft of farting directly into your chair to be released at the time of your choosing. Chair farting leaves the stench behind to slowly leak out of the fibers of your fabulous office chair once you have left your cube. If someone does walk by and smell your anal leakage, they cannot accuse you of farting at your desk because you are not there. Just make sure you leave on a mission that is long enough for the smell to disperse before your return.
Please note that this CANNOT be accomplished with a leather chair. This technique requires you to position your ass in such a way that your fart is propelled directly into the chair. This also requires you to learn the appropriate force to apply to the expulsion of your farts. When executed flawlessly, not only will the smell be masked in your chair, but the sound will also be muffled to the point that it cannot be distinctly identified. Talented chair farters can make sure that any sound that does escape will be attributed to regular office white noise. As with anything that is worth achieving, this technique requires much practice. My suggestion would be to take a long road trip in a car with cloth seats accompanied by those you like to fart with, and fuel yourself with Strawberry Quik and White Castles. This way, you can not only practice your technique, but gauge its effectiveness based on the level of disgust of those around you.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
This whole thing becomes negated by the pre-identification of SAFE HAVENS. Additionally, THE FLYBY could result in an unnecessary sharting incident if you are experiencing a moment of human urgency but are too timid to utilize facilities where others are present. There are two options here. One, identify SAFE HAVENS ahead of time and pray that they are close enough that you will not shit your pants in route. Or two, embrace the fact that bathrooms are made for bodily functions. Wean yourself of the notion that it matters whether or not there are others sharing your experience in the throne room. Learn to love your bowel movements and feel blessed at the opportunity to share them with your fellow co-workers. Seek professional help if necessary.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
I disagree - uneasiness be damned: the BEST part of the ESCAPEE is being on the other side of the stall when this happens. Make sure you look through cracks in the stall doors when the perpetrator of the ESCAPEE exits so that you can advise your PFN of the hilarious incident. Jamming your knuckles up your nose is an effective way to quiet laughter until the escapee-artist exits the room.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
I will have to agree that this is an embarrassing situation. However, even if you wait until everyone exits the bathroom, they will probably be able to identify you by either your laughter or your shoes, rendering your delayed exit from the bathroom worthless. Those that can emit the JAILBREAK without it being followed by uproarious laughter should be given the status of a Jedi. Those that can sit on the other side of the stall and hear it without laughing have no soul.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
For some of us, taking a gigantic dump is the most productive thing we do all day long. The COURTESY FLUSH annihilates the satisfaction derived from studying the intricacies of the poo you worked so hard at pushing out. Ironically, bathrooms are not meant to smell like a fresh mountain spring. It is for this reason that you cannot go to your local Wal-Mart and find an air freshener scent labeled "Morning Poo." The state of denial we live in as far as our bodily functions are concerned is sad. Revel in your scent and push those that might be offended by your perfume out of the room. If you are especially proud of the little pieces of you left in the toilet, leave it for the enjoyment of the next unsuspecting person that will visit your stall. They, then, will have yet another story for their PFN and the circle of joy, laughter and disgust will continue. You will have brought joy to the world, if only for a brief moment.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
As proud as you should be of your emissions, the truth of the matter is that only a small percentage of the world will truly appreciate what comes out of you. Therefore, I will have to agree with the idea that denial is the only course of action here. Look at THEM like THEY are the ones that stink. Or, as my grandfather used to say in his broken English after lifting his leg and ripping one - No be me, BE YOU.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
While I am one that thinks we should all be proud of our poo, I do agree with the idea that newspaper/magazine readers should be identified and avoided at all costs. These are often the same people that simply do the obligatory hand swipe under the water rather than really washing their hands, and proceed to return the magazine to their cube in the most unsanitary of manners. Nothing is worse than innocently reading an interesting business article on someone else's desk and contracting e-coli because the asshole finds it necessary to multi-task on the toilet.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Your PFN is not only necessary for the daily execution of bowel movements, but is also essential to your survival at work itself. However, identification of the right people for your PFN can prove to be a difficult task. All it takes is one conversation to find out that a person can be included in your PFN, but traveling to that conversation can be a long and arduous road. Hang in there, though, because the benefits of adding to your PFN are endless.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
While SAFE HAVENS are a nice idea, sometimes you just can't get there, in which case I'd heed my advice regarding the FLY BY. I understand that some days you just want to be alone, but I stand by my philosophy that we should learn to love our bodily functions. To quote my other grandfather - Wherever ye be let yer wind blow free.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
I disagree. TURD BURGLARS are the assholes that didn't check the stall and ruined your fun. They should be made to feel uncomfortable. A loud EXCUUUUSSSE ME will generally do the trick. Then laugh at them the next time you see them and accuse them of being a pervert. Tell them if they would like to see your crap in the future it can certainly be arranged. This is an excellent method of identifying people that can be part of your PFN.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE .
Anyone that thinks coughing will mask a fart in a bathroom has another thing coming. Again, expert fart detectors will identify this strategy immediately. If you really want to mask your ass symphony in a public bathroom, wait until someone flushes or turns the water on to wash their hands.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
This is counterproductive to the identification of potential members of the PFN. Also, people are stupid. In many cases it isn't going to matter if you're making noise in your stall. If they can't see your feet they're going to assume it's empty.
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*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Again, CAMO-COUGH is insincere and ineffective! The best and most effective diversions are the ones that you don't create yourself, i.e., toilet flushing and/or water running. Either way, if people do hear your cannon ball hit the water, it shouldn't be a shock to anyone that you're taking a dump in a bathroom. Hey Mary - I was in the bathroom the other day and Jane was taking a shit...in the toilet! OMG. Stop the presses. Someone was taking a SHIT in a bathroom? Call the FBI.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
Trying to cover up a bout of explosive diarrhea is an exercise in futility. It also distracts you from what needs to be done. In this case, something inside of you is begging to be purged. Don't distract yourself by caring what other people think. You will either need to find a SAFE HAVEN, or the whole office will just have to find out you ate bad Mexican food on lunch. It's better than making yourself even more sick by hanging on to the garbage that needs to be thrown out.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
It is possible that AUNT BETTY is simply be following the advice put forth in this bit of information, in which case they are simultaneously waiting for you to exit the bathroom. This is why we should embrace our bodily functions. Bathrooms are for shitting. You are, hopefully, all in there with members of the same sex. Therefore, does it really matter who hears/smells you?
There is, however, one AUNT BETTY that makes me extremely uncomfortable: AUNT BETTY, DDS. These are the people that steal your moment of glory on the pot from you because they are obsessive about brushing/flossing their teeth in public. These people need psychiatric help. I'm happy that you care enough about your teeth to brush in the middle of the day, but do you have any inkling of how unsanitary this is? Just imagine how many other people's germs are surrounding that sink you are using. That's not to mention the fact that after you're done SPITTING in the sink, I have to use it to wash my hands. The sound of tooth brushing upsets me so much that all hope of enjoying a worthwhile dump goes running out the door. If there's anyone that can create instant stage fright regardless of the turtle heads that were previously making their appearance, it's AUNT BETTY, DDS. This is what gum is for people. Brush your teeth when you get home and leave the public washrooms for shitting. These are probably the same people that want to call the FBI when a bathroom smells like feces.
Men are the unfair sex. All the popular maxim's that are applied to the nature of the male species are true...yet I am unable to live without men, as are many women. What, then, does that really make us as the fairer sex? The only word that comes to mind is "stupid."
You are Uhura
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And why aren't more women outraged over this??? I can guarantee that if the percentage of women who "let themselves go" was as high as the men who suddenly stopped caring about their appearance, there would be mass riots and an upheaval of society as we know it. The birth rate would suddenly drop into oblivion, numbers of outed-gay men would increase dramatically, and applications for preisthood would be at an all time high.
You might ask, what then do we do about this extremely unbalanced standard of appearance between men and women? Should women stop caring to send a message to these men who think it's "okay" to skip a shower or spend $8 on a flowbee haircut? Should we stop dying our hair, and wearing makeup and high heels?
Hell no. I'm not giving up my lipgloss just to make a stupid point to a group of neanderthals who wouldn't get the point if it smacked them in the face.
So…last night, I was watching TV and went to the bathroom and saw this:
My first reaction was to yell, to my husband WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU DO!?! Of course it had to be his crap on the toilet, becuase it couldn't possibly be mine.
He was upstairs on a conference call, so he didn't hear me. I just happened to itch my asscrak at that moment, and looked at my hand to find my hand was ALSO covered in "shit." How could the mysterious feces be coming from me? OH THE HORROR!
I thought long and hard about it. Was it possible that I crapped my pants without knowing it? Perhaps it was the black bean-corn mixture from Chipotle, and I simultaneously lost feeling below my waist in some kind of sick karmic joke? After all, I probably deserved it for one reason or another.
After moments of horrific contemplation I finally deduced the real culprit of the elusive dung. Earlier that evening, I was eating these chocolate covered caramels while watching TV on my couch…apparently one fell right into my crack and melted there. Sure enough, the caramel center was in-tact, nestled in my asscrak - the rest of the chocolate was ALL over my ass and underwear - all over the toilet, etc.
As if this is not enough to make this story one of my most memorable on record, it is not over.
I was so amused by this whole thing that I had to call and tell someone. I called my sister and was telling the story and my husband hears me in my wild laughter and breaks in saying - I thought you noticed that I threw that down the back of your pants!??! - UM, NO I didn't notice that you threw a piece of chocolate in my f*cking pants, a-hole.
As a result, I've been plotting my revenge ever since, but I do not have the mental fortitude to come up with something that could even compare to his dumb ass, unbenownst to me, throwing chocolate down my pants. If I meet this challenge with any success I will let you know.
