So…last night, I was watching TV and went to the bathroom and saw this:

My first reaction was to yell, to my husband WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU DO!?! Of course it had to be his crap on the toilet, becuase it couldn't possibly be mine. 

He was upstairs on a conference call, so he didn't hear me. I just happened to itch my asscrak at that moment, and looked at my hand to find my hand was ALSO covered in "shit." How could the mysterious feces be coming from me? OH THE HORROR!

I thought long and hard about it. Was it possible that I crapped my pants without knowing it? Perhaps it was the black bean-corn mixture from Chipotle, and I simultaneously lost feeling below my waist in some kind of sick karmic joke? After all, I probably deserved it for one reason or another.

After moments of horrific contemplation I finally deduced the real culprit of the elusive dung. Earlier that evening, I was eating these chocolate covered caramels while watching TV on my couch…apparently one fell right into my crack and melted there. Sure enough, the caramel center was in-tact, nestled in my asscrak - the rest of the chocolate was ALL over my ass and underwear - all over the toilet, etc.

As if this is not enough to make this story one of my most memorable on record, it is not over.

I was so amused by this whole thing that I had to call and tell someone. I called my sister and was telling the story and my husband hears me in my wild laughter and breaks in saying - I thought you noticed that I threw that down the back of your pants!??! - UM, NO I didn't notice that you threw a piece of chocolate in my f*cking pants, a-hole.

As a result, I've been plotting my revenge ever since, but I do not have the mental fortitude to come up with something that could even compare to his dumb ass, unbenownst to me, throwing chocolate down my pants. If I meet this challenge with any success I will let you know.